Alright. ;)
Let us all be good netizens and try not to make a big issue out of
this. I unintentionally sent my previous reply to the list (mia culpa
(again -_-)), so let's try and take this private before Adrian
descends and makes a fic out of it (or needs to moderate us).
My apologies, and let's try and turn the focus back to the fic itself.
That being said:
On 1/18/07, Mark Doherty <avantrefaq@yahoo.com.au> wrote:
Made around 20-30 changes from draft 1. I'm more satisfied
by this draft - barring any further inspiration, I'll post it
to fanfic.com
I'm Here to Help
by Mark Doherty (avantrefaq@yahoo.com.au)
Chapter 8
I must disclaim (as Jason) no real familiarity with Sailor Moon
outside of fanfiction. The only other non-crossover Sailor Moon story
I've read was Shades of Gray and it's sequel. So I probably won't be
able to offer much. And of course, anything I do suggest is just a
suggestion, and can be freely disregarded. :)
</disclaimer>
That out of the way: It's very good to see you back, I've always
enjoyed your work.
</gushing>
*ahem*
So:
Is it my destiny to be an assassin? Has Fate decreed that I live only
so that I can make others die? Is the sum total reason for my
existence?
Seems like a word may be missing from that final sentence. Then
again, this is a journal, so that may be intentional.
There was no getting around it. In a world of bright colours and
short skirts, my powers stood me apart as something different,
something darker. I remember always having my powers looked at with
suspicion.
Heh.
I ignored it, as best I can. My sister had spent months in convincing
me to fight the good fight - I could not have bared to see her face
if I had given it up. But for all that, after the events of the Great
Ice, I remember afterwards how no one was ever very surprised that I
became what I am. They expected it. I believe that they somehow think
that it was my destiny.
'beared'? Or is that intentional?
Or is that what he already was?
Destiny be damned. I choose to do what I can.
- Found by traders in a bundle of home-made paper in a ramshackle
house near the old city of Rome in 2457.
Interesting.
Usagi had spent the majority of her life living in a densely
populated metropolis. She was used to a constant level of background
noise. The clacking of train tracks, the neighbour's radio, her
brother's console games, even the snores of her father at night. Even
in her occasional trips to nature - the hot springs or the
snowfields - there were still the sounds of wind sighing through
trees, of cicadas in the summer, the rhythmic clack of a traditional
Japanese water pump, or even the caw of crows.
Repetition of 'even'.
She had never realised what silence truly was until this moment. The
land around her was dead, grey dirt stretched in every direction.
One look at the unnatural sky made it clear that this was not Earth.
Besides this knight and her, there was no life here to make a sound.
Her heart thumped in her chest, her eardrums throbbing with a rush
of blood. But still, it was silent.
Er. UK spelling, okay.
She gathered her courage, and looked up at the armoured man. Her
voice managed to not crack as she stared at him and calmly replied,
"I am not evil."
Oh, very nice.
"That's just it - there is no 'little' or 'lot' - when this sort of
magic is involved there's only the choice of 'all' or 'nothing'.
Either you take all of the pride, or you take none. And it doesn't
stop there - have you ever wanted to improve yourself after seeing
someone else do well? Have you ever dreamed of wearing something
that you saw being worn in a catalogue? That's envy. It fuels the
desire to improve yourself so you can be more of an equal to your
peers."
More of, or more than?
He held up his hand when it looked like Sailor Moon was going to
reply. "Even something as simple as eating ice-cream is a negative
desire. Ice cream has no nutritional value, it does you no good to
eat it. It's addictive and we still eat when we know it's bad for us.
The only reason to have it is because it tastes good. That's
self-indulgence." He buried his head in his hands for a moment,
before growling. "Wait, scratch all that. That example was rubbish.
Damn it, that sounded so much better in my head! I knew I should
have written down what I was going to say!"
Hah!
The crystalline armour dissolved into motes of energy as Emerald
stared for a few moments at the spot where Sailor Moon had been. His
shoulders slightly slumped and he muttered, "Typical."
Heh.
"Mother," Sailor Moon hesitated. "What that knight said... it didn't
make any sense. I don't understand how he could have seen the future
or how I could be the cause of something that would make him sound
so desperate. Mother, am I destined to cause such pain?"
Very nice.
"I think it's-" Sailor Mercury began, before they both disappeared.
Heh.
Beryl's eyes widened as the Senshi materialised in the arctic plains,
less than a kilometre from the dimensional entrance to the Dark
Kingdom. Recovering quickly, she saw to it that five youma sisters
were dispatched to intercept within a minute.
Arctic plains, eh? Are they on the ice? I've heard of this part, but
never seen it myself. ^_^;;
His eyes shot open at this. Floating in front of him was the ghost
who had rescued Usagi. "Yes, well and whoever you are, you're dead,"
he replied. "And I know which of those two options I'd rather be.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm currently sifting through the dimensions
trying to find someone."
Someone needs an inter-dimensional phonebook.
"Neo-Queen Serenity, you pusillanimous imbecile! Always sending out
others to do her dirty work. Always with that better-than-you
attitude." He visibly stopped himself. "Enough. Thanks to your
mind-numbing stupidity, it looks like I'll have to go on a killing
spree."
Any excuse is a good excuse!
The ghost turned to her companion, who had just materialised next to
her. "That was a most unpleasant man. You were right, his buttons are
rather easy to push."
Pluto nodded.
"You are sure that provoking him was the best course?"
"Yes," Pluto affirmed. "I swore to you on your dying breaths, my
queen, that my actions would be devoted to seeing your kingdom
reborn. I swore that I would never endanger this future through any
direct act of mine. As always, I remain true to that vow."
...oh, my.
Nice loophole.
Kunzite frowned as he waited at the portal that led to the North
Pole. Metallia had been confident that the Senshi would soon attack
them, but still they were nowhere in sight. He bit off a growl of
annoyance, contenting himself thoughts of which attack to use when
they arrived.
Seems like a 'with' might be missing from that final sentence.
"I'll flay to the bones any of you who thinks you're taking one step
through that portal!" the man shouted. "I didn't risk temporal
annihilation just to let a party of throwback halfwits like you onto
my planet. If nothing else, my sister would kill me if she found out
that I let that happen! You have a choice - leave here or die."
I like this guy.
"You! You can't escape us, spy," one of the youma hissed, grinning.
"Not this time. There are some among us who can block teleportation.
You're going to spend the rest of your life screaming in pain. You
will learn the price of crossing the Dark Kingdom. You will only be
the first of many once we conquer Earth."
Is this a random youma, or say, a youma ... sergeant?
"I've made quite a few improvements to their original design over
the years," Emerald noted conversationally. "I never have much reason
to create them any more, since the Senshi tear them apart like rice
paper. But I think you'll find them to be sufficiently entertaining.
Droids-"
The twenty monsters perked, facing their master.
"-oh, you know what to do," he said with a vague wave of his hand.
Now, that's style.
Screams of bloodlust and of agony ripped through the battlefield as
the cacophony of war reverberated across the plain. Vision wavered
as everywhere you turned there was the crackling of energy, the wake
of ice and fire and electrical attacks, the snap of claw against
bone.
I think the second 'of' could be dropped in the first sentence.
Judging by the 'and's in the next line, you probably did that
stylistically, though. >_>
I would normally comment on the 'you' breaking the narrative voice,
but it actually works pretty well with the other stylistic bits.
"I can't remember the last time I was in a fun little fray like
this," Emerald said conversationally to his crystal as he sidestepped
a youma's attack. A jagged spike of crystal coalesced in his hand,
before he used it to stab the attacker in the throat. As the youma
died, he casually withdrew and then threw the spike with such force
that it completely buried itself in the chest of another youma.
Yeah, go back to the first-level dungeon at level ninety-nine ... who
doesn't do that? ;)
The fifteen surviving monstrous automatons perked their ears.
"No delays! Wipe them out. Now!"
Hmm. Looks like playtime's over.
With that, he glanced up, and teleported to the last of the senshi's
auras that he felt disappear.
Er.... A plural that doesn't end in s.... But that appears to be correct. o_o
He looked down at the lifeless, entombed body, not even noticing the
cold wind that was biting into him.
the 'into him' seems extraneous. Maybe just 'the cold, biting wind'?
Feeling the wisps of energy, he glanced up. "-anything that
threatened you," he rapidly amended as he looked at Sailor Mars's
spirit. Her ghost looked back at him, a slightly sad expression on
her face. For a moment, he considered changing back to what he'd
originally intended to say. The girl was dead - she probably
deserved the truth.
Heh!
"I very much doubt that," Kunzite replied. "Although it was curious
that they somehow snuck past me. Still, killing you might make up
for missing my chance with them." He concentrated, shooting four
energy boomerangs at the other man.
Boomerangs? The fool! Villains get a penalty to boomerang damage!
Emerald managed to twist enough to avoid being hit by all of the
energy boomerangs. With a snarl he brought both arms up and
unleashed an unholy torrent of power. Kunzite's eyes widened as he
felt his shield buckle in seconds. 'What are you?' he thought, his
shields collapsing and his lungs burning away before he ever got a
chance to say it.
Somehow, 'buckle' and 'collapsing' connotate the same thing to me. I
would go with something milder for the first iteration. Maybe
'cracking' or 'eroding'?
"Touche," Emerald gasped before falling to the ground.
Priceless.
Nearby, Sailor Mars's body was enveloped in red energy. It rose,
then disappeared as the Senshi were reborn.
This may lead to an unpleasant awakening.
He'd won. There was nothing left to do. The world could now go on
as it liked. So was there any real point in going on? After all,
with Serenity dead, he could-
His eyes shot open, realisation shooting through him. "Hold on..."
Heh.
Sailor Pluto hesitated for a moment, then answered. "Your birth-name
was Yukio."
"Really?" Emerald blinked. "Huh. Well that was a bit boring. No
wonder I forgot it."
Wow. Did I mention that you've created a great character here? Love
this dialogue.
"Well of course you are," he agreed as if it was the most obvious
thing in the world. "I'm surprised it took you so long."
Should there be a pause (comma) after 'Well'?
Her eyes narrowed. "But then, every time you come close to winning,
you manage to shoot yourself in the foot. I've waited centuries to
tell you this." She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You lose.
As always. For all your posturing and your woe-is-me journals,
nothing you ever do really makes a difference. You will never win,
Yukio."
Emerald: "I _knew_ I should have used a more private journal than myspace!"
He blinked. "Wait. I'm gloating. That's always a good way to die.
Better get on with it, then." Emerald set his legs and spread his
arms. Energy began to build around him as he drew his power. The
gem on his necklace glowed, seeming to add its own energies to the
build-up.
Just echoing others, but this is very nice.
"Yes, I think I can," he responded with confidence as his hands
made several jabbing motions to punctuate some of the hazy glowing
green sigils he was drawing around him. "Thanks to your energy. I
worked it out a long, long time ago. I can cast... an
Anti-Purification."
A dark inspiration, all things considered.
"Oh, I can guess. Of course, doing this will almost certainly cause
a time paradox. It'll probably wipe me from existence. But not even
a paradox will wipe out the outcome. Not when I'm using the powers
of the Time Senshi to do it."
This guy has pretty good planning.
"Dead Scr-"
She gets an 'A' for effort.
The Purification would have failed. Crystal Tokyo would never have
been possible in its current form. I would have won without a single
drop of blood being shed.
Except for the terrible (and rather evident, I would think)
consequences of that action. Still, wonderful characterization).
That is what it is, to be immortal.
- Retrieved from personal effects left behind after Mars pursued
Emerald to a former hotel in the Caribbean in 2781.
These are nice touches.
A young blonde girl, her memories still clouded from minutes-ago
rebirth, woke screaming. Her eyes were wide, as she felt - without
being able to explain it - that something had just gone horribly
wrong.
Is there a missing 'a' in that first line?
In Osaka, a boy stared at the sky's display, confused at how
familiar the green energy felt. He held out a hand, allowing some
of the light motes to touch it. For a moment, his brown eyes flashed
green, before he shook his head and returned home.
Ah.... Well done.
'Goodbye, my friend'.
Awww....
"Oh, no point. Just thinking about past actions. Tell me, Rei, have
you ever striven to gain something, only to realise only after you
got it that it wasn't what you thought it was?"
UK spelling, again. Don't mind me. <_<;;
Pluto met her gaze. "I did nothing, Mars. Absolutely nothing." She
raised her Time Key, before adding, "That was the whole point."
Hmm.
"Damn it all," Mars muttered, closing her eyes and letting her
flames extinguish as Nothing washed over her.
Wow. That was.... I may lack words. I think I do.
Neo-queen Serenity was never, ever directly shown to ensure that
there would always be doubt over what happened - Pluto's motivations
aside. When I originally began writing, I planned a sequel that
would cover most of these things, but I now feel that the story
works better as a stand-alone work. Still, maybe one day I'll
change my mind.
Wow. That was nice. The only thing that could make it better would
be.... Oh, wait!
There it is:
"What?" Yukio looked around him to see if there was something behind
him. His green hair flew around, reminding him that he needed to get
a haircut.
I'm getting Glenn flashbacks.
Yukio blinked, then blinked again, still too confused to be angry
over the slap. He looked down at the total stranger who was hugging
him, his all-green eyes wide, before he shouted out, "Damn it all,
what the hell is going on here!?"
Very nice.
Okay. I'm afraid I have frightfully little to contribute that hasn't
been said before.
I really enjoyed it, though, and I have to commend you for such a
wonderful fic. Thank you very much for sharing it with all of us.