Aaron Nowack wrote:

Time to dust off those C&C muscles once again...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Brian Randall wrote:
 

	Descent -- Prologue

	

Well, first, I did like the story.  It was very well written, and told
the story it set out to tell well.  So... none of the below changes
that; they're just thoughts I had that might (or might not) make a good
story better.

I really liked the first chapter, but I have to agree with Angus MacSpon
that it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story.  I think it's
strong enough to stand on its own; it might work better as a sidestory
than as the first chapter.  As is, it's a little jarring to have one
chapter devoted to Shampoo and then the rest of the story focused on Ukyou.
 

I'm going to disagree with both Aaron and Angus.  This is a story of 
Ranma dealing will all of his fiancees, not just Ukyou.  Regardless of 
what you feel the focus is, I think just dropping the first chapter or 
even moving it to a sidestory would cause problems.

First, Shampoo is one of Ranma's fiancees and obviously very interested 
in him.  If her part of the story isn't dealt with readers will be left 
wondering about it, distracting from the flow of later chapters.  
Second, her chapter establishes this story isn't going to be a 
bright-happy-sunny-fic, preparing the way for the even darker second 
chapter, and helping the reader decide if they want to continue.  Third, 
it helps establish Ranma in a more favorable light - sure he's clueless 
and mishandling things and he made the mistake of trusting Nabiki - but 
he's trying.  And that trying gets established in the first chapter; 
without it and what it says about Ranma, he would come across as someone 
any of the girls would be better off without.

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