[FFML] [C&C][Ranma][Crossover] Tamaranian 1/2: Illegal Alien Indeed

[Jared Waddell]

*rolls up sleeves* Time to catch up!

Farzad Mansouri <farzad234 at yahoo.com> wrote:    Well I had no idea the FFML was down but just to be
number 2 on the posts here's a little something I have
been working on Since the beginning of 2007. Enjoy
and creative criticism is appreciated.

  It has to be CREATIVE?! Sigh...
  
Tamaranian 1/2
By Farzad Mansouri

Ch.1: Illegal Alien Indeed

  <snip>
   
  Okay, the intro was actually pretty interesting, however, the voice was generally just a little... 'off.' It seemed a little too much like an e-mail discussing a story rather than a skilled narrator catching the audience's attention. Pretty close to the mark, just needs to be tweaked slightly.
  
and courteous to anyone other then Saotome Genma, who
Ranma still thought of as a stupid moron outside of
the Art.
   
  Well, at least Ranma's opinion of his father is canon...

Genma panda slowly approached the pool. Suddenly a
form burst from the bubbling waters and hovered
several meters above the spring. “You kalnorf! I am
going to put on the hurt so much you won’t be able to
genuflect much less sit down!”

  Comma after 'genuflect'
  
The form was humanoid having two arms, two legs, a
torso, and a head. However, beyond that it was easy
to see the being as anything but human in origin. His
skin was orange not pink, tan, nor dark brown but
actually a citrus orange color. His eyes and hair
were radically different too. Where there was once a
black hair blue eyed youth was now a young man with
fiery red hair and blazing green eyes that almost
certainly hinted to some righteous butt whooping about
to be unleashed as they bore into the panda. 

  Comma after the first 'orange.' Doesn't read right without it.
  Use 'or' instead of 'nor.' Nor would be a double-negative and reads a bit weird too.
  Cut 'almost certainly' from that last sentence. Again, it doesn't read right with those two words in there.
  
Sufficed to say Genma panda nearly decided to empty
his bladder at that look. 
   
  I'm going to stop you right there. This sounds like Genma just... I won't even say it. The wording is just... off here. I'll skip the lengthy explanation. Read this version out loud and see how different it sounds than what you have now: 'Sufficed to say, Genma almost emptied his bladder upon seeing that look.'
  I think the technical term for this gaffe is subject confusion, where it sounds like Genma is peeing on Ranma rather than pissing himself in fear (which is what I'm certain you are going for here).
   
  Quickly looking left and
right he pointed behind the hovering boy and tried to
mouth a fake warning that came out as a series of
growls. Ranma didn’t bother looking behind him and
cocked his right hand back as if to punch the panda

  Comma!
   
  were he not hovering several feet out of range. The
hand began glowing green 
   
  Comma!
   
  causing the panda’s eyes to
bulge. Ranma then quickly thrust the hand forward and
a bright green ball of energy slammed into Genma panda

  Comma!
   
  knocking him several feet back as his bulk dragged 
   
  Try "carved" or "formed"
   
  a
ditch across 
   
  And "in" or "through" instead of "across"
   
  the loose soil.

The last thing Genma panda thought before he
blacked out was, “When the heck did the boy learn to
throw ki blasts?”

The sight of his father being hit by the ball and
his knock back 
   
  Try "flying back several feet" or "being knocked back several feet" instead of "knock back"
   
  stunned Ranma long enough for him to
realize his situation. 
   
  Nitpick: I don't Ranma has 'realized his situation' just yet, be has noticed something. It could stay or be re-worked. Honestly, it's not a big problem, I'm just nitpicking.
   
  “What the heck?” The boy
exclaimed 
   
  Comma!
   
  as he brought his right hand closer to his
face to examine it. “Why am I orange?” he asked
   
  Comma!
  
before looking down to see himself hovering in the air
between two springs. “And how the heck am I flying?”

Ranma saw motion to his left. Looking in that
direction, he saw that the guide was waving and
calling for him to come closer. Slowly but surely, as
if he had been flying under his own power his entire
life, Ranma moved toward the guide and landed
gracefully before him.
   
  Ah! Now, there's brilliant use of commas here! 


A man earns the title 'Great' by having power and NOT abusing it.

What? that's it? Where's the rest?! I want to see the rest!
   
  Okay, wrap up: Slight fear of commas, some inventive pulling of words from hats which worked okay but not great. Generally solid writing. Too the point, which is good for a story that treads well-worn territory. Thumbs up, take my comments with a grain of salt, and keep writing!
   
  Later,
  Rick "needs to catch up" Spiff

       
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