[FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 11: Distance...

[Aaron Nowack]

Eimii wrote:
> [Already posted this to the GoogleGroups FFML, but i guess i should
> post it here as well. This incorporates some suggestions that Aaron
> Nowack and William Little made on GoogleGroups, so it's not _exactly_
> the same as that version...]

And, as promised, I come to give it another look...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

> Kakashi simply shrugged. "You're going to go cross-eyed if you keep
> squinting like that," he pointed out, brushing off the unspoken
> accusation. "Genjutsu is nothing to scoff at. Even those eyes can only
> do so much."

Hmph.  I must reiterate my earlier point about this being a violation of
one of the core premises of the manga, namely that the Sharingan has
godlike, boundless power.

Sigh.

> "Ha! I thought somethin' weird was goin' on!" the blonde boy barked,
> glaring suspiciously at the surly kunoichi. "Is that you, Kiba?"
> 
> Reeling, it was Sakura's turn to gape in disbelief. "W-what the hell!
> Are ya _really_ that stupid?" she screeched. "Why the fuck would think
> I'm _Kiba_ of all people?"
> 
> "You're always doin' dumb crap like this, like that time that ya
> pretended ta be Sakura-chan and gave me a rice ball with filled with
> hot pepper sauce!" he accused. "Ya not gonna fool me again, though!
> Sakura-chan would never talk like that!"

Hmm.  Yeah, this version of the scene works a lot better than the old
one in the new context.

I do kind of miss the "Who the fuck would wanna be me? I gotta deal with
idiots like _you_ all the time!" line, though.

> Slurping up another mouthful of steaming noodles, Kiba chewed
> thoughtfully. Shino claimed that ANBU had ordered him not to reveal
> too much, but he _had_ let slip that Sakura had helped him beat two of
> the Hidden Sand genin team. After months of working with the Aburame
> clan heir, Kiba was finally starting to get the hang of reading
> Shino's mood from the bizarre m=E9lange of scents that the bug-user
> gave off, and there was no doubt about it: Shino was definitely
> uncomfortable whenever Sakura came up.

I'm getting some weird characters in there.

> Now Sasuke-kun was being cold to her, and Naruto was being stupid. *He
> didn't have to call me a fake!* Like she wasn't already insecure about
> her identity! Squirming uncomfortably, Sakura sank deeper until her
> eyes were barely above water.

Missed a reference to the earlier version of that scene here, though I
suppose it still works.

> Ino didn't have the stamina for Kagebunshin, but Mizubunshin was
> possibility. It was a common jutsu among the villages that favored
> water element techniques, and Sakura could name at least one person in
> Konoha that knew it. They also might be genjutsu illusions, but Sakura
> didn't know any specific counters for that type of trick, and she
> couldn't use Kai without cancelling her own genjutsu.

Hmm.  Interesting limitation there.  Makes sense, though.

Other than that, not many additional comments this time around.  The
Ino/Sakura dialogue at the end reads a little better, though I'm not
certain whether anything changed or I'm just paying closer attention.

Keep up the good work; I'm really looking forward to when the revisions
get caught up and we get into completely new territory. :)

-- 
           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/