[FFML] [Naruto] One Hundred Days - Chapter Sixteen: The Hundredth Day

[Eimii]

The flaying continues! I've covered a bit more material this time...

>       The four masked ANBU - the only full ANBU squad with the war
> force - bowed shallowly to Tsunade.  "Report," the Hokage ordered,
> masking her nervousness with shortness.  There was at least an even
> chance that she was about to be walking into a trap, and that might even
> be preferable to the alternative, that the Mizukage's offer of peace
> talks was genuine.

Maybe 'brevity' rather than 'shortness,' to reduce the number of
'-ness'es in the sentence?

And 'about to be walking into' is a tiny bit of a mouthful. You might
be able to omit the 'about to be,' or change it to 'she was about to
walk into.'

>       Here on this front, Tsunade's forces had been holding their own,
> but the Mist easily had twice the manpower she did, and the Mist's
> allied villages had yet to take the field beyond a few raids by the
> Hidden Haze in the Tea Country.  If the full weight of the Mist alliance
> descended on the Leaf, Tsunade had little doubt that she would be forced
> to order a retreat - or worse, a surrender.

Does the Mist have allied villages? I haven't watched the anime
fillers, so i don't know if any are specifically introduced.

>       With those as the facts on the ground, the Mizukage had little
> reason to be generous in his terms.  Worse, with those facts
> acknowledged, Tsunade knew she had little choice but to accept anything
> remotely reasonable, and she knew the Mizukage knew that also.

You could probably change that last bit to 'and the Mizukage would
know that also.' if you wanted to avoid the 'knew... knew' thing.

>       Tsunade grimaced, then she nodded.  "Thank you."  If the
> Mizukage indeed intended an honest offer of peace, there was at least
> one factor she could leverage to improve her situation - the Rock.  A
> weakened Leaf Village would be a much preferable neighbor to the Mist
> than an expansionist Rock.  With the Earth Country's ninja on the move,
> there was a limit to how much the Mizukage could ask without threatening
> his own country with further war against a stronger opponent.

Still, that's a rather slender hope; the Earth Country is at a far
remove from the water country, and the Fire Country is large. If the
Earth tried to occupy the Fire country, they would probably spread
themselves thin, opening all of their holding up to guerilla attacks
by Hidden Leaf stalwarts and anyone else that has a beef with them.
This is the problem with a physically small force trying to control a
large area.

>       If only the Cloud showed some sign of stirring, the Leaf's
> position would improve immeasurably.  If the Cloud threatened war, the
> Mist would be forced to make peace quickly so they could defend their
> islands against their most hated enemies.  Otherwise, the Leaf could
> form an alliance of convenience with the Cloud and possibly destroy the
> Mist forever.  Yet, there had been no news from Lightning Country, and
> with that silence that hope died.

Hmm... two instances of 'that' on opposite ends of a word. Not quite
sure how to go about fixing it, though.

>       "Dismissed," Tsunade finally told the ANBU, and they obeyed,
> though they did give a curious glance to the four ninja she had selected
> as her honor guard.
>       "We're going in, then?" Yuuhi Kurenai asked softly.
>       Tsunade nodded at the jounin.  "I have to hear him out at
> least," she said.  She glanced at younger woman's students in turn, her

Probably, 'hear him out, at least.'

> gaze finally resting on Hyuuga Hinata.  "You know what to do," she said
> simply.
>       "Yes, Hokage-sama," the girl almost squeaked, and Tsunade
> favored her with a gentle smile.  To avoid offending the Mist, the
> Hyuuga's silver eyes were covered by bandages, making her appear to be a
> member of the Leaf's Tobitake Clan, which - though famed for its blind-
> fighting techniques - had no Bloodline Limit.

Would not the Mizukage know enough about this year's exam participants
to recognize her, though, especially with her teammates? The Mist had
a team in the exam, after all.

>       Tsunade nodded.  Besides herself, these were the only four who
> knew of the discovery of four faceless, unidentifiable bodies in the
> forest outside the Leaf's encampment.  Though Hinata had used the
> Byakugan to investigate all the Leaf she could, that was not enough to
> allow Tsunade to overly trust any others for something this sensitive.
> There was no guarantee that even the sight of a Hyuuga could penetrate
> Orochimaru's technique.  To the best of Tsunade's knowledge, it had
> never been tested in that manner.

Do they not have any other Hyuuga in the field? I mean, a Hyuuga that
actually has a working Byakugan couldn't be a fake, right?

>       Orochimaru was the wild card in all of Tsunade's thoughts, and

Hmm... i would have used 'plans' rather than 'thoughts,' as thoughts
don't immediately spring to mind when one thinks of cards...

> she needed to be prepared for whatever he was trying.  She had no doubt
> that he would try to upset the peace conference, and so she had made
> sure that her guards were the people she was most certain had not been
> replaced.  They knew not to hesitate if anyone - even a fellow Leaf
> ninja - tried anything.

Again, the leaf has many bloodline or similar clans; a simple
demonstration of techniques should be all that's necessary to verify
the identities of many ninja. For instance, any senior member of the
Hyuuga, Aburame or Inuzuka could be identified in this fashion.

Also, you use 'trying,' 'try' and 'tried' in close proximity to each other.

>       "Let's go, then," the Hokage said after a few moments, and the
> five ninja were at the neutral location agreed upon for the talks only a
> minute late.  A large tent had been set up, but they did not enter,
> instead waiting for the other side to arrive.

Perhaps 'arrived' rather than 'were'? Hmm... but then you use 'arrive' later...

>       "It hasn't been long enough," Tsunade replied acidly, wishing
> that circumstances allowed her to kill her former teammate here and now.
> She didn't glance backward at Aburame Shino, but she knew that a single
> bug was already flying back to the Leaf encampment.  It had been agreed
> that there would be a Sound representative present, but not that that
> representative would be Orochimaru himself.  As soon as the bug reached
> one of Shino's clan mates, the Leaf forces would move into a position
> where they could better intervene in case of treachery.



>       "Forgive my ally's unplanned presence," the Mizukage said
> smoothly.  "He arrived on unrelated business yesterday, and he insisted
> on coming himself."  He paused, then added, "If you wish, I will send
> one of my guard back."

That's a pretty big thing to excuse. His presence makes this 'meeting
of equals' rather unbalanced.

>       "No need," Tsunade said, forcing a confidence she didn't feel
> into her voice as she stepped forward toward the tent.  "Shall we
> begin?"
>       A few moments later, the three powerful ninja were inside the
> tent, seated around a rough wooden table.  There was silence for almost
> a full minute, all three observing the others careful.  It was

'carefully.'

> Orochimaru who spoke first, amusement in his voice.  "Before we move to
> more serious matters," he said, "please allow me to discuss some...
> personal matters with my old friend here, Mizukage-dono."  The leader of
> the Mist nodded curtly.

Might want to start a new (if short) paragraph with the Mizukage's
acknowledgement. Also, you use '(person) (verb)ed (adjective)ly' many
times in these paragraphs. This is often unavoidable, but maybe some
of them could be stated differenty? Just a small suggestion.

>       "What do you want, Orochimaru?" Tsunade asked bluntly.
>       "Merely to return a prized possession of yours that happened to
> find its way into my hands," the renegade Sannin replied.  Smiling
> widely, he pulled out a necklace, and Tsunade's blood ran cold as she
> stared at it dangling from her former teammate's pale hand.
>       "You," she snarled, almost forgetting where she was and
> attacking.
>       "You should take better care of things like this," Orochimaru
> said chidingly, and then he tossed it at her.  "A gesture of my good
> will," he continued as Tsunade reflexively caught it.

Hmm... i would have written that:

       "You should take better care of things like this," Orochimaru
chided, tossing it at her.  "A gesture of my good will," he continued
as Tsunade reflexively caught it.

>       Unthinkingly, Tsunade studied the necklace for any hidden trap
> before placing it around her neck.  If Orochimaru had this, then
> Naruto... and Jiraiya...

A little late to study it if she reflexively caught it; a trap could
be sprung in that instant... but a guess caution is always good, even
belatedly.

>       "Once we're done here," Orochimaru said, "perhaps I'll have time
> to tell the story of how I came across that."
>       Tsunade's hand clasped around the necklace, and she took a deep
> breath.  "Perhaps," she said, forcing calmness into her voice.
>       The Mizukage glanced curiously between the two Sannin.  Then, he
> spoke.  "Well, then.  Shall we begin?"

I probably would have written that last line something like, 'The
Mizukage glanced curiously between the two Sannin before interrupting.
"Well, then. Shall we begin?"'

Probably just me, but i don't like using short declarations like.
'Then, he spoke.'

>       "Three."  It was Shikamaru who was giving the count, and Sakura
> forced herself to take a deep breath.  There was no time to be nervous
> now, she reminded herself as she checked her distance from the familiar,
> small building that held the entrance to Orochimaru's lair.  Somewhere
> out there, Shizune was preparing the opening strike, but Sakura couldn't
> penetrate the jounin's genjutsu.

Is it (the building) really familiar to her?

>       Sakura almost stumbled, unprepared for the raw power of
> Shizune's attack, but she recovered, not slowing any more than her
> companions.  The tower of fire vanished, and the building was gone.
> Instead a shallow crater was before the charging ninja, a passageway
> deeper into the Sound's underground compound revealed.  Whatever traps
> had guarded the entrance were no longer an issue.

Hmm... considering that this lair seems to move about, traps might not
necessarily be tied to anything local or physical, but that's just a
small, random thought.

>       What was an issue were the two people who suddenly appeared in
> between them and the crater.  Without thinking, Sakura slowed, spreading
> out with the others to encircle the pair.  A boy and a girl, Sakura
> noted, and after a moment she recognized them from the descriptions she
> had been given.
>       "You fuckers didn't think it was going to be easy, did you?"
> Tayuya asked sourly, her eyes flicking between her numerous foes.  A
> tendril of shadow raced at her from Shikamaru, but the Sound kunoichi
> danced out of the way.
>       Her companion spat a ball of webbing at the shadow user, but
> before it hit Neji had interposed himself between Shikamaru and
> Kidoumaru's attack, easily countering it.  Ino tossed her kunai at the

Perhaps reduce that first sentence to '... at the shadow user, but
Neji interposed himself between Shikamaru and Kidoumaru's attack...'?

> six-armed boy, but he stopped it with another web, then jumped back out
> of the range of the explosive note wrapped around its hilt.
>       There was a blur of motion, and Shizune appeared mere steps
> behind the two Sound.  "You two had best surrender now, or I'll be
> forced to hurt you."

That's awfully merciful; that smart thing would have been to kill them
both instantly... but i guess she's a medical nin, and might still
have some sort of professional interest in them, besides.

>       Kidoumaru twisted around, a kunai appearing in his hand, but
> Shizune easily dodged.  She grabbed the boy's arm, expertly disarming
> him and wrenching the captive limb behind his back.  Then there was a

One of his many limbs; restraining Kidoumaru must be a chore.

>       "I can't tell," Hinata replied after a moment.  "It might just
> be that they're what they appear to be, or it might be that they're
> using some sort of genjutsu."  Her teacher had given her more than one
> lesson on how a skilled-enough genjutsu user could deceive even her
> eyes.  "Maybe if I was closer, I'd be able to tell."

But not the Sharingan, noooooo- because while it's been stated in
canon that the Byakugan offers more 'insight,' the Sharingan can
change the laws of the universe on a whim...

Also, one wonders how they're communicating amongst themselves without
the Mist overhearing...

>       "I would be surprised if you did," Shino commented after a
> moment.  He glanced at the Mist behind his dark glasses.  "I could -"

Should that be 'from behind'... unless they really are behind his glasses?

>       "No way," Kiba interrupted.   "I know you're smarter than that,
> Shino.  They'll be on the look out for insects."
>       Shino's gaze turned to his teammate.  "Listen to yourself," he
> said.  "I am smarter than that."

Yeah, Kiba saying that _is_ kinda hard to picture O_o;...

>       "Sorry," Kiba said.  "I'm just on edge."
>       "I know."  Shino turned to Kurenai.  "I can send a messenger bug
> to my father and ask for an update on our force's position."

It's just been commented that they'd be on the lookout for bugs, though...

>       The jounin nodded.  "Good idea.  They should be almost in place
> if they haven't run into any trouble.  Ask them for regular status
> updates."

And if they weren't on the lookout before, bugs arriving at regular
intervals might tip them off...

>       "Understood," Shino replied.
>       A moment later, Hinata tensed, and despite the bandages that
> covered her eyes her teammates knew that she had once more activated her
> Byakugan.  Akamaru, resting at Kiba's feet, stirred, slowly rising.  "I
> think they saw the bug leaving," Hinata said after a moment.  "The four
> of them look worried about something, and they're talking among
> themselves."  She paused, then added, "I think they've got a way of
> communicating with their main force also."

Hmm... it was stated earlier that they were talking among themselves,
and this should be a fact that the others can observe easily enough.

>       "I wouldn't be surprised," Kurenai said.
>       Hinata relaxed.  "They're calming down," she said.
>       "Our forces are in position," Shino stated suddenly.  "They can
> be here within a minute of being signaled."

That was _fast_. A bug on the wing may be pretty quick, but
destruction bugs don't fly (last i saw), and even if they did, the
main force would have to be just around the corner for a message to
return that fast, unless it was relayed via some sort of 'bug telegram
network.'

Or is a 'messenger bug' not a destruction bug?

>       "The main force is alerted," Shino said quietly.
>       "Good."  Kurenai bit at her lip again, studying the fake Mist
> ninja on the other side of the tent.

She doesn't have much of a poker face, does she?

> Her team was silent, and Kurenai sighed.  How were any of them supposed
> to guess the mind of the legendary renegade Sannin?  For all she knew
> his plan was for them to uncover his men and in doing something about it
> make the Mist see treachery.

...^_^;. One doesn't have to be Machiavelli to see through most
'plans' in the Naruto universe.

>       The voices in the tent raised again, but this time it was

'rose again' perhaps?

>       Bugs poured out of Shino's coat, and Hinata ripped the bandages
> from her eyes as she charged, forming seals.  "Shadow Replication
> Technique!" she breathed, a perfect duplicate appearing by her side.

I thought she needed to use a soldier pill to perform that?

>       Kiba attacked first, he and Akamaru becoming whirling tornadoes
> and slamming into one of the fake Mist.  There was a puff of smoke and a
> small boulder shattered under the attack, but when the enemy reappeared
> he still had a few bloody wounds.

Hmm... as good as they are, nobody on this team is jounin-level except
for Kurenai. If Orochimaru were to bring in a team specifically for an
assassination, one would think they'd be better than this... unless
they're along just to die, i guess, to trick the Mist into believing
that the Leaf broke the cease-fire, and even then, the Mist would
discover the Sound's treachery when they examined the bodies...

>       Kurenai was behind him, and she thrust a kunai into his back.
> The man barely managed to avoid a fatal blow with an awkward last second
> half-dodge, but Kurenai knew that she could kill him in a matter of
> moments.

Maybe put a comma after 'awkward'?

>       That was when the tent exploded in a burst of water and powerful
> chakra.  The force of the blast spent Kurenai stumbling forward, and one

'sent Kurenai stumbling'? Also, you might want to mention that the
tent is at her back at this point; otherwise, it doesn't parse
logically, at first, for her to stumble 'forward' when the tent is
exploding 'outward.'

> of her opponent's teammates would have gotten her if a wall of insects
> hadn't suddenly interposed itself.  "Thanks, Shino," the jounin gasped
> as straightened herself, noting that another false Mist had taken

'as she straightened'

> advantage of the opportunity to rescue her fallen foe.
>       Three blurs of motion erupted from the ruins of the tent. For an
> instant, the still forms of the three leaders were visible, then
> Orochimaru and Tsunade were gone, their battle carrying them away.  The
> Mizukage stood silently for a moment longer, then he said, "I'll finish
> you four off quickly."  At a curt gesture from him the false Mist backed
> away.  "Unless you'd care to surrender and spare yourselves."

Hmm... the Mizukage doesn't seem to pay overmuch attention to Hinata
and her Byakugan.

This is actully something i've been wondering about; would the
persecution of bloodline clans really extended to the Hidden Mist
themselves? I would have thought that they just went along with it
because it was a useful scapegoat for them to use to keep the people
of the Water Country from turning against them as a whole...

>       Kurenai was able to react instantly, channeling chakra to keep
> herself from falling, but none of her genin were fast enough.  "Katon:
> Fire Wave Technique," the jounin hissed, extending both hands in front
> of her.  A wall of fire burst out from her hands, clouds of steam
> boiling off the suddenly created lakes surface as the flames swept
> toward the Mizukage.

I think you could get away with changing 'lake's surface' to just
'lake,' to make it less wordy.

>       The Leaf jounin cursed to herself.  The Mist's leader wasn't
> even taking this seriously, wasting chakra by creating even more water
> when he could have used the liquid he'd already created.  Her eyes
> widened.  Unless -

Hmm... i think that might work better as 'already created - unless...
Her eyes widened.'

>       "Your students are safe.  Get them and get out of here.  It's
> going to be dangerous to stick around," a vaguely familiar voice
> ordered, and then her rescuer vanished in a puff of gray smoke.

Just a thought: you use 'and then' quite a bit in this chapter.


>       Nara Shikamaru took a deep breath as for several moments, all

'as, for several moments, all'

> the combatants stood still.  He took advantage of the brief pause to

Are they 'combatants' yet, if combat hasn't yet started?

> assess the Sound team arrayed on the other side of the crater Shizune
> had created.  The Sound had a slight disadvantage in numbers, but not
> nearly enough of one for just charging in without a plan to defeat them.

That's... a long statement, and kind of a mouthful.

>       The most dangerous opponent was probably the oldest, Yakushi
> Kabuto.  Shikamaru had a vague recollection of the man from the exams,
> but though he hadn't seemed too tough then, Shizune had assured him that
> the traitor was not only jounin-level, but Orochimaru's right hand man.

Maybe 'assured them' as, up until that point, 'him' references Kabuto
in that sentence.

> He was Shizune's to deal with, Shikamaru had concluded.  None of the
> chuunin could hope to defeat him alone if he was truly that powerful.

Don't think you need the 'had' in there before 'concluded.'

>       Tayuya was less of a difficulty, but still she could not be
> ignored.  Her genjutsu could wreak havoc if she wasn't taken out of the
> fight quickly.  Shikamaru knew her tricks, though, and he doubted she
> had picked up any new ones while she'd been rotting away in an ANBU
> cell.  He could deal with her in relatively short order.

I know this is Shikamaru, but could he, really? Their last fight
proved that the brute force available to her when she uses her seal
can overpower anything he might be able to do to her with his shadow.
I guess if she doesn't activate her seal immediately, she wouldn't be
hard to deal with, but would she really be that dumb, considering that
they've fought once before, and she had to activate her seal that time
as well.

>       The other Sound kunoichi wasn't too impressive, but it was vital
> that Haruno Midori be kept away from Neji.  They could not allow her
> doujutsu to force Neji not to use his Byakugan.  If she managed that,

'to not use'

> the Leaf would be left with no counter to Kidoumaru's webs.  He'd known
> she'd be here, though, and the choice of who to fight her had been easy
> enough, though.  Shimano Ren knew her former teammate and would likely

Don't need the second 'though' after 'enough.'

> have fought her regardless of orders.  It had seemed appropriate to give
> Sakura the duty to keep an eye on Ren and help finish off Midori
> swiftly.

Except that friendship might also interfere with her performance; one
would think that it would have been no more risky to have someone else
fight Midori alongside Sakura, and less wearing on Ren's loyalties.

>       There had also been an obvious choice to fight Uchiha Sasuke.
> Shikamaru allowed a slight smile to show on his face as he saw that Rock
> Lee had already removed his weights and was studying the traitor.  The
> Uchiha's Sharingan eyes might be able to read and copy Lee's moves, but
> if Sasuke's body wasn't fast enough to keep up, it wouldn't do him any
> good.  If Sasuke was that fast, Lee had the best shot at staying alive
> long enough for the other Sound to go down.  Then they could use
> superior numbers to take the traitor down.

Well, we already know that Sasuke is _fast_. His fight with Gaara was
proof enough of that; even Lee mused that he would never be able to
rush a well-protected opponent the way Sasuke could, because he
wouldn't be able to react fast enough to defend himself, so Sasuke's
straight-line speed (at least when using Chidori- though i'm not sure
how that would make a difference), is similar to Lee's, apparently...

>       That left one member of the Sound team, whose name was
> apparently Jabisen.  Shikamaru knew nothing about him, but hopefully Ino
> would be able to handle him for long enough.  Shikamaru studied the

'for long enough'? Sounds like Shikamaru doesn't have much confidence
in his teammate...

Moreover, Ino's main technique, the Shintenshin, is easier to use when
she fights with a partner. I would have thought that he'd have paried
Ino with Sakura to fight Midori, and had Ren go after Jabisen.

> unfamiliar opponent, and he noted with a little surprise and distress
> that the other boy was staring back at him, anger visible on his face.
>       Jabisen glanced sideways at Kabuto, and the older ninja smiled
> slightly.  "Yes, Jabisen-kun," he said, loudly enough for Shikamaru to
> hear.  "That's the one who killed your sister."

Two uses of 'smiled slightly' in the last few paragraphs; Shikamaru
did it when he was thinking about Lee.

>       Shikamaru couldn't stop himself from blinking, and in that
> instant the pause in the fighting ended.  Jabisen jumped over the
> crater, charging straight at Shikamaru.  He darted out of the way of the
> shuriken the oncoming Sound ninja hurled to cover his attack,
> reflexively sending a tendril of shadow toward him.

The person referred to by the pronouns in that sentence switches
halfway through.

>       But why did he think that?  He wasn't well known enough for
> someone to bother concocting that sort of lie out of nothing, Shikamaru
> knew, so there had to be some truth to it.

The only 'he' in this paragraph that refers to Jabisen is the first one.

>       Shikamaru barely rolled out of the way of a hail of kunai, then
> disappeared into the tree to buy himself a moment to think.  The other
> boy was smarter than he seemed.  He hadn't just drawn Shikamaru out of
> the way for a one-on-one fight, but so that he could use his sonic
> attacks without endangering his teammates.
>       Before the other boy could strike again, Shikamaru retreated,
> hoping to buy himself time to think.  He let Jabisen keep an eye on him,

Hmm... He bought himself a moment to think in the prior paragraph, and
now he's buying himself more time to think...

> not wanting the other boy to despair and head back to the main battle.
> Not when he had a powerful attack like that.  The problem was figuring
> out a safe distance.

'Not when he had a powerful attack like that,' should probably not be
its own sentence; it should be attached to the end of the previous
sentence with a semicolon or a dash, i think...

>       The trees shook as Jabisen unleashed a blind attack, and
> Shikamaru took a deep breath.  His techniques couldn't do anything to
> stop someone from making noise, short of snapping their necks with the
> Shadow Neck Bind, and Shikamaru wasn't certain he could do that quickly
> enough to do him any good.

That isn't entirely true, though. He could use the Kagemane, then hold
his own jaw shut, and the good old 'make the enemy bash their head
against a tree' trick doesn't take long at all. If he managed to catch
Jabisen again, he could even make them walk with their backs to each
other until he was within range for the Shadow Neck Bind...


>       The sounds of battle filled the air all around the two powerful
> ninja, but neither had ears for it.  Only the barest handful of the
> hundreds of ninja fighting in the surrounding woods could hope to
> intervene in the fight without dying in short order.  This was the type
> of clash from which legends were born.  If one of the two fell this day,
> no doubt it would be the source of many an epic tale.

Hmm... that last sentence seems kinda superfluous, since it was
already mentioned that it was the type of fight from which legends
were born...

>       The snake master laughed slightly.  "Don't make promises you
> can't keep, Tsunade-hime."  He smiled coldly.  "I have no intention of
> dying."

You use 'slightly' quite a bit in this chapter. Also, i believe
'coldly' was used for Tsunade in the previous paragraph...

>       Tsunade spat.  "You're more insane than I thought if you think
> that offer is even tempting to me, Orochimaru."  She shook her head.
> "Even if I wanted that sort of immortality, I would never do that to my
> people."

Yet they have no compunctions about killing strangers for money. Pfft-
ninja -_-;...

>       Orochimaru nodded.  "You would," he said.  Then, deceptively
> casually, he raised an arm, and countless snakes poured out from under

You use to adjectives that end with '-ly' right next to each other.
It's a little jarring.

>       The Hokage's arm flung out in answer, and dozens of kunai, an
> explosive tag dangling from each hilt, flew through the air in answer.

Two uses of 'in answer' in that sentence.

> Each perfectly found a gaping snake's mouth, and a torrent of small

Maybe 'snake's gaping mouth' would sound better?

> explosions filled the air with smoke and snake's blood.  A final kunai

Perhaps just 'snake blood.'

> found its way to Orochimaru's heart.
>       The male Sannin laughed, the ensuing explosion only spraying the
> area with wet mud.  As he emerged from the earth behind Tsunade, he
> said, "That wasn't even a challenge."
>       Tsunade smirked.  "It wasn't supposed to be," she said, her hand
> twitching.  Less than a second later, every kunai she had just thrown
> was in the air, converging on Orochimaru from all directions.

Hmm... i would have written that 'all the Kunai she'd just thrown were
in the air again, converging...'

>       His eyes just narrowed, and a sudden burst of wind knocked every
> weapon aside.  "Pathetic," he commented, casually bringing one hand to
> his mouth and spraying a jet of fire at Tsunade's back.
>       Then Tsunade wasn't there, the fire flying on to impact against
> a tree trunk.  Orochimaru barely had time to dodge as Tsunade came down

Hmm... another suggested wording. 'The fire flew on to impact against
a tree trunk, as Tsunade wasn't there anymore.' You begin many, many
sentences with 'Then' in this chapter...

>       "Katon: Fire Lance," Tsunade intoned in response, extending one
> hand.  A bar of solid white flame sprung from her palm, the sheer heat
> making the air shimmer and dry leaves catch flame as it flew at
> Orochimaru.

It's a good image- but to me, 'and dry leaves catch flame,' seems
unfortunately placed in that sentence,

>       Neji let out a quiet curse as Jabisen charged Shikamaru and
> proceeded to drive the strategist away from the rest of the ninja.
> There went the neat little division of labor Shikamaru had worked out
> the last night.  It wasn't completely unexpected, though.  The lazy
> ninja himself had told them after giving them their assignments, "It's a
> cliche that no plan survives contact with the enemy, but it's a cliche
> for a reason.  Don't sweat the details; just concentrate on taking your
> target down fast.  If you can't get to your target, help with someone
> else."

Maybe just 'help someone else.' ?

>       Wishing he didn't have to wait for Haruno Midori to be driven
> away before activating his Byakugan, Neji took Shikamaru's advice.  The
> six-armed ninja Kidoumaru was his responsibility, and he would deal with

Maybe take out 'ninja' in that sentence, before Kidoumaru? Just a thought...

> him.  Moving with a speed that almost matched his green-clad teammate's,
> Neji charged the enemy ninja, who opened his mouth into a wide grin as
> he saw who was coming.

Is it still a 'grin' if the mouth is gaping open? For some reason,
that seems wrong to me, but maybe i'm just crazy...

>       "You were just about to, you fucker," Tayuya said as she
> interposed herself between Kidoumaru and Neji.  "Stop wasting your
> fucking time on the one guy who can break your webs.  Go kill the rest
> of these bastards; I'll take care of the Hyuuga."  After a moment,
> Kidoumaru's black marks retracted, and he nodded, though he seemed more
> than a little upset.

One would think that all the ones with curse seals are wasting time if
they all haven't activated them by now...

>       Explosively, the vine-like dark lines spread over the Sound
> ninja's skin, and Neji almost faltered at the terrible chakra spreading
> through the other boy's bodies.  "Four strikes," he stated grimly, but

'body'

Also, the lines were described as 'dark' and 'vine-like' not too long ago.

>       Neji just grunted, struggling to rise but only managed to
> wriggle a little.  His concentration turned inward, his eyes focusing on
> his own chakra system.  If he could see how Tayuya's technique affected
> his chakra, he might be able to close tenketsu and break it without
> closing so many he wouldn't be able to fight.

Hmm... but aren't 'genjutsu' only supposed to affect the opponent's
mind/brain (by manipulating the chakra in their head, i guess)? If its
affecting his whole body's chakra system, wouldn't it be a ninjutsu?

>       Neji focused through the illusory pain, using it to fight the
> paralysis.  He brought his hands together once more.

Hmm... but i thought pain could be only used to fight genjutsu because
it was an 'actual' sensation, allowing you to focus on the true state
of your body and not the illusion. In this case, he's trying to fight
one 'illusion' with another... though if it were truly some sort of
genjutsu-based paralysis, one would think that there would be some
sort of sensory effect that 'justified' his inability to move, like
the entrapping tree used by Kurenai's genjutsu...

>       "You're one to talk," Neji said, knowing she was right.  This
> was similar to - though less effective than - what Gai or Lee did by
> opening the gates, but if anything it was more dangerous.  It put more
> strain on a smaller portion of the chakra system.  In a matter of
> minutes, he would be doing serious, possibly permanent damage to
> himself.  He'd only need minutes, though, if he was immune to Tayuya's
> genjutsu.

Hmm... it's supeficially similar, in some ways, i guess. Opening the
gates actually allows Gai and Lee to create much _more_ chakra
(somehow), if my understanding of the 'Heal' gate is correct, whereas
Neji is just increasing his chakra flow. The opening of the Heavenly
Gates also releases more chakra for use by the muscles, rather than
the coil system.

>       "You won't get a chance to use it," Neji said, suddenly behind
> her.  She started, and Neji struck her with a Gentle Fist strike to the
> back before she could recover.  "That could have hit your heart," Neji
> warned.  "Stay down."

Why, oh why, must Leaf ninja so often exercise mercy towards the enemy
when it means putting themselves and their teammates at further risk
-_-;?

>       "Uchiha Sasuke-kun."  Rock Lee's voice was calm as he began to
> unwind the bandages wrapped around his arms.
>       The traitor stared impassively at the other ninja across the

Hmm... perhaps just 'impassively across the crater'? Its kind of a
jumble, otherwise.

> crater with his crimson eyes.  After a moment, he said, "Come."

Who said it? It's unclear.

>       The six-armed ninja rolled out of the way of Lee's flying kick,
> spitting out another web as he stood.  Lee blurred, vanishing and
> reappearing inside the Sound ninja's guard, his leg arcing up to kick
> Kidoumaru high into the air above the crater.  The green-clad ninja
> vanished, reappearing floating behind his new foe.  Kidoumaru's eyes
> widened.

This brings up another blind spot in Shikamaru's plan; Lee is fast
enough to avoid all of Kidomaru's attacks, making him a reasonable
match for the spider ninja, while Sasuke has never fought Neji- or
even seen most of his techniques before, so he would not be as familar
with Neji's abilities as he is with Lee's...

>       Lee took a deep breath and stood, turning to face the impassive
> Sasuke.  "You didn't help your teammate," he said after a moment.
>       Sasuke shrugged.  "I don't care about him."  He smiled coldly.
> "I want to fight you."
>       Lee stretched slightly, ignoring the familiar ache in his

Another 'slightly' here...

>       Unsurprisingly, Midori didn't try to avoid Sakura and Ren.  When
> the other two girls came at her, she stood her ground, and when they
> tried to lead her away she followed.  Less than a minute later, the
> three girls stood in a clearing a few hundred yards away from the rest
> of the fighting, far enough to be well beyond the range Midori's could
> technique could affect Neji from.

Hmm... perhaps '...of the fighting, putting their allies well beyond
the range of Midori's technique.' ?

>       If Ren, Neji, and Shikamaru's conclusion on that matter was
> accurate, Sakura reminded herself.  They'd taken that distance and
> doubled it, just to be safe, but that didn't mean much.

Hmm... I can't remember; does Ren already know that Midori got a
cursed seal, and what that implies?

Perhaps 'They'd moved to more than twice the maximim range of Midori's
Gaze of Torment, just to be safe, but that wouldn't mean much if the
Byakugan somehow increased the range at which Neji could be affected.'

>       "Keeping me away from the Hyuuga freak, huh?" Midori asked.
>       "Of course," Ren answered.  "We aren't stupid."
>       Midori shrugged.  "I suppose not," she agreed.  "Smart of you to
> double up on me.  I can't snare both of you at once."

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

Who wouldn't be expecting her to actually be able to snare them both
at once, after an 'admission' like that ^_^;?

>       "You killed her, you and these Leaf?" When Ren nodded, Midori
> smiled.  "Kabuto-sama will be pleased, I suppose, to learn that she
> didn't betray us."
>       "Don't you even care that your teacher is dead?" Sakura asked.
> Her eyes flicked about the clearing as she calculated the fastest way to
> get behind Midori.  She couldn't imagine the talking lasting much
> longer, and it paid to be ready when the fighting began.

Funny now nobody mentions to Midori that the cursed seal ate her
teacher alive. That might make her think twice about using it,
theoretically...

>       "That was Suicide Water Replication Technique," Ren said after a
> moment.  "But Midori never had the chakra for that.  And the control to
> keep it stable for that long -"

Interesting point; this refers to gross control (manipulating lots of
chakra at once, such as for poweful ninjutsu) rather than fine control
(manipulating chakra precisely, such as for genjutsu) i assume?

>       "Midori's not stupid," Ren said as she moved to once again stand
> at Sakura's back.  "She knows this is over once we find the real her."

Note: they're all going on endlessly about how they're not stupid, in
this confrontation ^_^;;...

>       Before she could answer those questions, the small puddles of
> water the destroyed clones had left behind rippled.

perhaps 'the puddles left behind by destroyed the water clones rippled.'?

>       Sakura jumped from her own perch, tackling the other girl in
> midair and shoving her into a thick tree trunk.  Midori recovered
> quickly, raising her eyes, but Sakura averted her own gaze.  The
> distraction gave Midori enough time to sweep Sakura's legs out from
> under her with a sudden kick.  The Leaf ninja lost her footing, but a
> bit of wire work saved her from a potentially dangerous fall.

That comes out sounding kinda funny ^_^;. I know what you mean, but i
just can't help picturing a scene from a chinese martial arts film
where, for a moment, the wires are painfully obvious...

>       "Shizune-sama, I think," Sakura said, letting her motionless
> fake replication vanish.  "That's not our concern right now."

Took me a couple seconds to realize that the 'Sakura' that was
orginally visible was one of Sakura's 'perfect' replicas, and not a
bunshin.

>       "I'm so thrilled," Sakura said.  "I always wanted a violent
> psychopath with a personal vendetta against me for no particular reason
> other than happening to be related to her."

Perhaps 'other than I happen to be related to her.'?

>       "Our mothers were sisters," Midori said with a snarl.  "It was
> your mother who was to marry my father, before she ran away.  It was you
> who should have been the mistake with too-strong blood.  You!"

Well, now Sakura knows without a doubt that Midori is her cousin- her
crazy, foreign cousin, from a far away land, come to live with her and
introduce her to all sorts of strange customs and... wait, wrong
story...

>       "That doesn't make any sense at all, damn it!" Sakura shouted
> back at her, pushing away the sadness that welled up at the mention of

Might want to just used 'shouted back' without the 'at her' if Sakura
is not looking directly at Midori.

>       "I'll kill you," the Sound ninja said, her voice flat as her
> green eyes sought out Sakura's matching gaze.  "And maybe then you too,
> Ren."  An ominous pressure filled the air, nothing compared to the power
> Mitarashi Kimi had displayed but far more than Sakura had ever felt from
> Midori before.

Sakura has experienced this before, as well, when she had to restrain
Sasuke in the Forest of Death. I wonder if that might be a more apt
comparison? Or not, perhaps; just thought i'd mention it...

>       Sakura tensed, searching for an escape, but Ren only pressed her
> kunai tighter, drawing a hint of blood.  "Stay still," Ren said softly,
> and Sakura had no choice but to comply.  "Give me Saburo, and I'll give
> you her and leave you be.  I'll even report that you and Mitarashi-
> sensei died escaping the Leaf Village, so no hunter ninja will be sent
> for you."

Hmm... this is kind of an untenable bluff, if it wasn't pre-arranged.
Midori could just as easily have asked Ren to knock Sakura out, just
to be safe (thus reducing her potential enemies to one).

>       Midori hissed, and then she grinned widely.  "That does change
> matters slightly," she agreed.  "We have a deal, Ren."

One wonders why she 'hissed' here... and the smart thing to do would
still have been to knock Sakura out, or lock her up with a doujutsu
while she's restrained. Perhaps put her into the Gaze of Torment, as
it doesn't appear that Midori has to actively maintain that one (if i
remember right) and it would have been especially cruel to just leave
her that way until later...

>       For Yamanaka Ino, things began to go wrong almost instantly as
> the battle begun.  Her designated target went for Shikamaru, and before

I think 'began' is the proper tense; 'begun' is used with 'had' in the
past perfect tense. Also, two uses of the verb 'begin' in this
sentence, so perhaps you could just use 'started' for the second one.

> Ino could react the two were gone.  She immediately searched for
> Shikamaru's target, even as a part of her mind reminded her just how few
> options she had against a ranged fighter with strong genjutsu.  When she

Her options really aren't all _that_ poor, if she can strike with the
element of surprise. As far as we know, the Shintenshin's main
weakness is that it 'flies' relatively slowly, not that it can be
resisted by most folks.

>       For the first time the Sound ninja seemed concerned about her
> attempts to stop him, rolling out of the way and coughing up another
> burst of webbing.  Ino dodged once more, but this time Kidoumaru
> followed up with a second web an instant later, snaring her.  Not
> wasting any further time on Ino, the six-armed boy went on his way
> toward Lee and Sasuke.

Aaaaw, no respect for poor Ino... :(

>       A sudden, inhuman roar disturbed her thoughts.  Ino started,
> gasping as she looked across the crater.  Kidoumaru was nowhere to be
> seen, but Sasuke stood, seemingly unconcerned, staring Lee and Neji.

Sasuke stood where? And should it be 'staring at Lee and Neji'?

>       Then there was another roar, and an even more demonic figure,
> easily four times the height of a grown man, burst from forest,
> brandishing an oversized warhammer and charging at Lee and Neji.  Its
> skin was almost a human color and more disturbing for the closeness.
> Crimson, almost liquid-seeming markings ran up and down its limbs,
> occasionally appearing to shift and move.

Used 'almost' twice in close proximity.

>       It took her less than a minute to clear away enough of the webs
> that she could break free.  Brushing a few strands still stuck to her
> away, she looked around to ensure that there were no enemies in sight,

Perhaps 'Brushing away a few strands that still stuck to her'?

>       With desperate strength, Ino brought up one foot, kicking at the
> Sound ninja and shoving him away.  The boy took a half-step backward,
> grunting slightly, but didn't release Ino.  Then the blonde's other foot
> came up between his legs, and he did.

I know it means that 'and he did release her' but it might work better
worded otherwise. Perhasps 'The boy took a half-step backward,
grunting slightly, but didn't release Ino - until the blonde's other
foot came up between his legs.'

>       Kidoumaru froze for an instant, and then he stumbled.  "Damn,
> this body is weird," Ino muttered through his lips.  "Bad enough that
> he's a boy, but this one's got even more extra parts."  She moved one of
> Kidoumaru's arms to rub at a strange burning sensation on his back, then
> knelt over her own still body.

Hmm... Ino has been demonstrated to use the Shintenshin on animals, so
it might not be so strange to have the 'wrong' parts. Things like
flying as a bird might take practice though; i dunno...

>       She stared down at her wounded, weakly briefing self with

'Weakly breathing' ?

>       The burning sensation on Kidoumaru's back grew, and Ino began to
> feel something stirring in the back of her mind.  "It's not going to be
> that easy," Ino muttered as she opened her packs, pulling out a small
> canister of knockout pills Shizune had given her the night before for
> just this purpose.

One would think she'd keep something like that on her, anyhow,
considering the limitations on how one can treat the host body with
the Shintenshin. Heck, keeping some genuine poison to swallow down
would also probably be a good idea...


And that's the end of the commentary for these scenes; more to come soon!

~Eimii