[FFML] [Kiddy Grade]Gazing at the Cosmos - pro

[Matthew Campbell]

Wow, a Kiddy Grade story.  Don't see many of those.  I've seen the 
series, but that was years ago and my memory has faded a lot.  Still, 
I'd definitely like to see this continued.

Let's see, with my memory of the series so vague (I had to go to 
wikipedia to remind myself who everyone is) I'm not going to be great at 
nitpicking continuity or characterization stuff, but I'll give it a 
look.  I will say, and I'm not even sure this is a valid criticism, that 
this isn't too friendly towards people not up on their Kiddy Grade.  I 
mean, granted that fanfiction is by definition directed towards people 
who are already fans of the series, but I've picked up on plenty of FFML 
stories where I wasn't entirely familiar with the source material and 
that's not so possible with this particular story.  It's possible 
(though a bit tricky) to establish characters without boring people 
familiar with the series, I think.

NiteFlier wrote:
> Dear Chevalier, who stole the Deucalion in an attempt to force the
> Nouvlesse to accept those they considered 'Common'. Ah, why did Alv
> choose to take over the Deucalion? What terrible grievance did she hold
> against not only the Nouvlesse, but all Mankind? Did Dvergr ever truly
> know her daughter? Did she know what Alv was planning?
>   

Yes, why oh why did the writers of the anime not explain basic character 
motivations?
:)

> She sighed again, such things were beyond her. She was... weary. Yes,
> that was the word. She remembered the last time she had been this
> weary. She had chosen to forget. All of her life, everything from the
> rolling mountains of her birthplace, to her partner, her mirror.
>   

"forget. All of..." could probably be combined into one sentence.

>
> Her partner started, and nearly fell out of her chair. She stifled a
> giggle at Éclair's position, laying halfway over Donner's head, with
> her rear high in the air. "That's not a very elegant position, Éclair,"
> she said, suppressing her laughter.
>   

Hah-hah!  Panty shots are an important element of any Kiddy Grade story!

>
> She followed her partner's gaze, and frowned slightly again. Their
> appointed keeper, the Auditor Armbrust, declined to join them on this
> excursion, and Chief Eclipse allowed it, rather than insisting that he
> join them as in times previous. Both of them wondered what it might
> mean.
>   

Maybe Eclipse realized he never really managed to restrain them anyway?
> Éclair sat back in her seat, and brushed her bright red hair out of
> her eyes. "Sixty years... Sixty years doing the same thing." Another
> slow sigh. "I'm tired, Lumi. So tired. As tired as when I chose to
> forget... But I know now that if I did that again, it wouldn't help.
> I'd still end up being tired. Tired of the GOTT. Tired of doing what
> everyone else wants. Tired of not living for myself." She turned her
> head and smiled. "Tired of not living for those I care about."
>   

So serious!

>
> exploring a city at night. I... I want to go back to those days. Back
> to when we didn't know Eclipse. Didn't have our debt to her." She
> slumped, tirade over.
>
> The younger woman nodded slowly. "Why don't we? We can always quit the
> GOTT. We can go anywhere, from the Core to the Rim. Do anything we
> want. You know that..." She trailed off as she noticed the look on her
> partner's face.
>   

They wouldn't be immortal anymore?  I guess?  Wasn't the body-switching 
thing Eclipse's deal?

And Chapter One.....

> Gazing at the Cosmos
>
> Chapter One - When All Else Fails
>   

Any story behind the story and chapter titles?

> "So what do you have planned for Miss Sana?"
>
> Éclair looked at her partner as the two of them walked home. "I don't
> know what you mean."
>
> Lumière sighed as they turned off into the train station. "When she
> walked up this morning, you were eying her." They slipped easily to the
> train, their cards granting them easy passage.
>   

That's two uses of 'easy'.  Probably should drop one.  Oh, and Lumiere 
accusing Eclair of planning something?  My vague memory says that Eclair 
isn't big on 'plans'.

>
> The walk form the train station was short. Both of them knew the path
> well, and while Lumière had the resources to have them picked up at
>   

"from" not "form"

>
> "Why did you live in this manse by yourself? And don't try to tell me
> that you had the robots. They aren't sentient, not like Donner and
> Wirbelwind are." Éclair growled and looked out the bay windows to the
> gardens outside.
>
> "Well," said Lumière, trying to put some levity into the conversation,
> "I lived here because you didn't have a manse of your own." She was
> slightly surprised at the look of almost guilt on her partner's face.
>   

There's obviously something about that exchange I'm not getting.  
Lumiere's answer doesn't make any sense to me.

> Éclair growled and stood. "She's one of us, just not yet. Maybe not
> ever." Upon seeing Lumière's continued confusion, she started pacing.
> "She has the potential to become an ES Member. She has it in her, she
> just hasn't let it loose, or it hasn't come to the fore."
>
> Lumière frowned slightly. "And how do you know this?"
>
> Éclair growled in frustration, and flopped down on the couch again.
>   

Eclair just growled twice in a row.  She ought to relax, get a robo-massage.

> "Can't you feel other ES Members when they're near?" At Lumière's
> negative, she frowned. "Not even when they're close, like twenty feet
> or so? But..."
>
> "I don't feel them. The only other ES Member that I've 'felt' like you
> say, is *you*. Moreso now than before Deucalion, but I think that is
> because of our 'merging'." She stopped at Éclair's look.
>
> "Every ES Member. From Tweedledee and Tweedledum, when we first found
> them, to Eclipse, when she confronted us that very first time. Even
> when I hadn't met them, I could feel that they were near. The only time
> I couldn't..." Éclair took on a mildly confused look. "The only time I
> couldn't was when I found an orphan in an alleyway..."
>   

Wow, sixty years and Eclair only sees fit to mention this now?  I mean, 
I think that's almost in character, but I'd expect a little more 'You 
mention this *now*?' from Lumiere.
> Éclair shook herself. "No, no I think its something different. I did a
> bit of research once... Ah, forget it. If its that, then it won't be a
> problem." She looked over at Lumière. "Er. Seriously. It has to do with
> my, er, relation with them. Ha. Relation, that's a good way to put it."
>   

What?  Huh?  Am I not supposed to get that?

>
> "Could her power be maturing?"
>
> Éclair opened her mouth to answer but hesitated. "No," she said
> slowly. "No, I think it has more to do with my outlook than with her. I
> think that her power will need something else to bring it to the
> fore..."
>   

Oh, tell me she has a wacky and somewhat insane idea!

> She had arrived to work early for once, and had seen Éclair and
> Lumière come in the front doors. Strangely enough, they had been
> together. She shook her head over that. Didn't the two of them spend
> enough time together? What with working the Information Desk, and
> traveling about?
>   

Arriving at work at the same time isn't exactly shocking.  Lots of 
people car pool or something.  Does she really still think Lumiere is 
ten years old?

> Sana felt a touch on her arm, and turned to Lumière, who was smiling
> softly. "Éclair is right, Sana. ES Members aren't all that threatening
> once you get to know them. If you don't believe us, talk to Liquiy
> about it."
>
> "But, but they..." she started.
>
> "Are nothing more than people with a few abilities that normal people
> don't share." Lumière stated. "They have their own problems to deal
> with, you know. Right Éclair?" Lumière looked to her partner, but
> Éclair seemed to just be staring off into space. "Eclair?"
>
> The girl started. Shaking her head. "What? Lumière? Oh, sorry." Éclair
> looked to Sana. "Do you want to be an ES Member, Sana?"
>   

You know, I realize I have no idea what the general public know or think 
they know in the Kiddy Grade-universe about ES Members and their 
powers.  I'm not sure that's something that the anime ever really 
explained either.  This would actually have been a great moment for Sana 
to play Captain Exposition and explain what the heck an ES member is 
(thought to be) in giving her answer.

> Sana heard Lumière's sharp, short intake of breath, and she looked at
> Éclair closely. "What do you mean? Its not that simple, right?"
>
> The red haired girl smiled grimly. "If you didn't know the price to
> pay- like you don't now- would you choose to be an ES Member?"
>   

So if Sana had to decide based on incomplete information, how would she 
decide?  Nice.

> Somehow, it felt to Sana as if the world had gone dim, sounds and
> light from outside of their little area muted, and the three of them in
> the Information Desk were highlighted, the colors of their clothes and
> hair brighter, as if they were the only things to consider in the
> world.
>   

By the way, the first time I read this it did not come through at all 
that something weird and power-related was going on.  I thought this was 
just... you know, an effort to render a typical anime 'moment of 
internal anguish and indecision' into prose form.  Didn't get anything 
else until Lumiere and Eclair started talking about it.

> Lumière looked to her partner. "And yet, she can do something like
> that? I realize that even C Class abilities can show before they come
> to full bloom, but something like that..."
>
> Éclair nodded. "S Class, if not G Class, like us."
>   

Something like what?  (pulls out hair)   This is very frustrating, 
because I don't think even the anime explains the source of these weird 
powers in the first place.  Open field for fanfickers to take a swing.
>
> As she stood, Éclair smirked. "I see now. Cute guy caught your eye?
> That hasn't happened in a while."
>
> "Eclair! Its best just for us to forget it. Nothing can be done in
> this situation." Lumière turned and walked out of the cafe, apparently
> not noting if Éclair followed.
>   

Why is Lumiere stuck as a child again?  I don't remember.

> "Unfortunatly, I do." Eclair responded. "Lumi, I know what's wrong."
> Eclair saw her partner shrug. "I think I can help..."
>
> Lumiere turned to her. "You aren't that way, and neither am I, Eclair.
> Just forget about it."
>   

Uh, interesting assumption there about the type of 'help' Eclair would 
have to offer.  (I can't help but feel like you missed out on comedic 
potential there.)

> "E-Eclair?" Her voice had dropped from her own soprano to a rich
> alto... Eclair's voice.
>
> "Yes, Lumiere," her own voice answered. "I told you we were close."
>
> "But... This is... We've just..." Lumiere couldn't find the words to
> express the imposibility of what was happening.
>   

Not like those usual impossible things they're always doing.  :)

>
> Her cheek was pressed against the smooth silk of Eclair's blouse, her
> hands in her lap, and that terrible feeling of tiredness settling on
> her. She felt Eclair's chest rise and fall in a sigh, "That took more
> out of me than I thought. You all right, Lumi?"
>
> "Yes," Lumiere whispered. "Just tired..."
>
> "So am I. I think this is going to need a bit of work." Lumiere felt
> Eclair's arms around her, then there was a dizzying sensation of
> free-fall as the other woman shakily stood. "Lets both get to bed."
>   

(weeps)  The ecchi possibilities and potential double entendres going 
unremarked on here boggle the mind.

Also, just so I've got this straight, is Eclair's plan actually to let 
Lumiere utilize Eclair's body to bang a guy?  I mean, you talked around 
it a little, but wow!  This plotline is much more amusing than their 
'escape from GOTT' (though it's still unclear why they need to escape) plan.


>
>
> "They might place us as different, you know. What if one of them wants
> to talk to us alone?" She cast a worried glance down the hall.
>
> "Now your just being stubborn." Eclair put her hands on her hips.
> "When has anyone wanted to talk to one of us but not the other?"
>
> "All right, all right," she sighed. "Lets go."
>   

And so we end chapter one just on the cusp of a series of 'Freaky 
Friday' style misunderstandings and comedy ramblings.  Not where I would 
have expected this to go from the prologue, I'll tell you that.

Anyway, please continue it.

----
Matthew Campbell