[FFML] [XOver][EVA/Lovecraft] Fear Chapter One: Look To The Sky

[Dot Warner]

>  "Release me!"
>  
>  Ikari Yui grabbed the uniformed man's wrist, and bent it backward until
>  the bone cracked.  A second guard tackled her about the waist;  she
>  brought her fist down on his skull, caving his skull in and dropping him
>  lifeless to the ground.  She turned and ran towards the water.
>  
>  "Mommy!"  Shinji twisted in his father's grip, but the man was far too
>  strong for a five-year-old to break free.
>  
>  "Let her go, Shinji.  She's not your mother anymore."
>  
>  Shinji  stopped  struggling,  and  watched  as  his  mother  dove
>  headfirst into the waves.  He waited, watching for her to surface, for
>  long minutes, before turning and burying his face into his father's
>  jacket.
>  
>  Only to be shoved away, tripping and falling.  He looked up at his
>  father's cold eyes, and shivered.
>  
>  "Never come back, Yui..."

Is this supposed to be from Shinji's point of view, or omniscient narrator? It is very intruiging as far as a first scene goes, but I think it needs just a little more of a punch in the gut.  (Also, perhaps you already have thought of this, but this would make for a very effective recurring flashback, revealing a little bit more each time you revisit it.)

<snipped>

The rest of the opening needs to be drastically re-written.  Right now all you have is a rehash of the first episode of the anime; those of us who have seen the series already know what's going on, and those of us who don't only need enough details to get a sense of the setting.  You could almost start the story proper with something along the lines of: "Shinji woke to the sight of an unfamiliar ceiling" and then briefly allude to his first outing as a pilot, introduce Rei as his fiancee, and fill us in on whatever other details that are different from the Evangelion "canon".

-"Dot"
http://dotchan.com/

I'm my own mind-altering substance. 8)