[FFML] Kanti Collation story.

[Gary Kleppe]

On 10/15/2018 03:09 PM, J. w. wrote:

> Things that ship girls should not do chapter.
> By: Cko2

I know absolutely nothing about Kanti Collation. Can't figure why 
putting sheets of paper into the correct order should be interesting 
enough for a series, but I suppose there's an anime about everything by now.

In what follows, stuff between >> and << is quoted from your story, the 
rest is my own commentary.

>> Rule 1638. No one is to use the summoning chamber for anyreason beyond any approved summoning or very controlled cleaning. Anyone havingsex in their will be charged. We have enough weird ship girls as it is, we donot need any more non-combat ships or outdated ships. <<

I assume if I had seen or read Kanti Collation, I'd know why people 
having sex in the summoning chamber would lead to more outdated ships? 
By the way, you have a weird formatting problem throughout this where 
there are missing spaces between words every so often.

>> “Enterprise are you sure that we should be in here doingthis? It’s bad enough that everyone thinks you somehow got me pregnant,” askedYamato quietly amid the cloths being stripped off her in the heat of themoment. <<

cloths clearly should be clothes.

>> “Don’t worry dear, we are off duty and no one is going toeven bother with this place at this time of night anyway. It’s midnight, theguards have already made their rounds and we have 3 hours before anyone checksthis area again. I did do my homework when we got here when the guard shiftsare done. Who can say that they had sex in the summoning chamber at Great LakeNaval Base and Training center. Talk about a total trill of us doing this inall kinds of weird places around the world. Besides, it’s just a rumor anyway,so just don’t worry and help me out of these pants,” Enterprise says withpassion in her voice while kissing Yamato’s neck. <<

And trill obviously should be thrill here. In general I would say you 
need to tell less and show more. You say that there's passion but we 
don't see enough of their thoughts and feelings to evoke the feeling of 
passion.

Also, you need to pick a tense, usually either past or present. Either 
all of this happened before, so you use forms like "asked" in the 
previous paragraph, or it's happening as we speak, so you use present 
forms like "says" here.

Enterprise is a she, but everyone thinks she got another woman pregnant? 
I guess biology isn't a required course at the Great Lake Naval Base and 
Training center.

>> “Ok, just so we don’t get caught doing this. This would nothelp our reputation any though and much less the trouble we will get into.Screw it, let’s have fun.” Yamato breathes heavily as she helps Her lover outof her pants and the rest of their clothes.

2 hours later after much fun is had both girls are laying inentwined 
when suddenly there is clapping coming from the spectator’s 
platform.Both girls start and start looking around as they hastily reach 
for somethingto cover themselves with.  Standing thereis a young girl 
about 13 or 14 dressed in a full hoop skirt and dress and bonnetall in 
blue and white with a set of heeled boots with a parasol being heldunder 
one arm and a bag of some type hanging from her left wrist. She 
standsabout 4’ 9” tall and a bit of a flat chest and red hair with green 
eyes andglasses from the mid to late 1800’s well-made dress style. <<

Descriptions are good but you don't want them to sound like a police 
blotter. Instead of a full picture try focusing on some particular 
details. We don't need to pick this girl out of a line-up, we need to 
get a feeling for what's distinctive about her.

>> “Thank you both for calling me back from where ever I was. Itwas very boring to say the least without any of my girls to looks after.  I am the Steamship ‘The Belle of Lacrosse’ oneof the only floating brothels on the rivers. I also carried the mail during the 20 years I sailed the rivers and wasvery much highly regarded among my many fans. My owner was called Miss Kittyand was also the Brothels Madam.  I hadabout 30 girls working on me at any one point in the time I ran rivers. “ <<

If I were watching this on-screen, I'd expect a caption saying something 
like "THIS SPEECH VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA." Try not to be so 
obvious about putting exposition into dialog. Dialog should flow 
naturally. You need to let these characters exist in your mind so that 
you can have them saying things that they would say.

>> Both girls look at each other and Enterprise just says, “Thebase commander is going to kill us for this. If you don’t mind, can you turnaround for a moment and let us get dresses and then we can introduce you to thehigh command.” letting out a huge sigh. <<

You probably want

introduce you to the high command," letting out a huge sigh.

The comma says that what follows is still part of the same sentence. 
Otherwise "letting out a huge sigh" doesn't make sense by itself.

>> A couple of hours later the base commander office. <<

This sentence no verb.

>> “Let me get this right. You and Yamaimo where screwingaround in the summoning room when you summoned an old riverboat from the 1800’sthat use to be a floating whore house? And on top of that she is a civilianship and very much outdated. She has offered her services as a lady of theevening since those are her skill set. She has no real range and much cargocapacity, so that leaves out using her as a transport for convoys. Leave it toyou two to summon something very weird. I am not sure how the hell you twotalked me into allowing you two go shows up there in the first place, but youboth managed to very much disappoint me. I want the both of you packed and onthe first place back to San Deiago right after this. I am sorry about thismess. “with that last comment admiral Richardson looks at the base commanderand then then screen goes dark. <<

Above you called her Yamato. Now it's Yamaimo. Which is correct?

If this were a human adolescent girl, and not a personified water 
vessel, I'd hope there would be some consequences in the story for her 
being used for child prostitution.

If he's referring to the real-world city south of Los Angeles, it's 
called San Diego.

The most important thing I look for from a teaser is, what reason do I 
have to care about what happens next? It's not clear. If Belle being 
here is going to cause problems for the Admiral, that could be a story. 
If Yamato/Yamaimo ( o/~ let's call the whole thing off o/~  **ahem**) 
and Enterprise are going to try to work their way back into favor, that 
could be a story. There are other directions you could take it. But what 
you've written doesn't indicate any of this.


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