[FFML] [Harry Potter] How He Defeated Dark Voldemort

[Chaeotica]

SNH,

...Alright.  I've been meaning to review one of your stories for a while,
now.  I suppose this one is as good a start as any.

Firstly, do you want to improve as a writer?  If so, I think some of my
advice might be helpful.  If not... well, feel free to discard whatever I
say.

On with the criticism.

The first problem I noticed - being something of a grammar freak - is the
fact that you neglected to use any commas in your story.  Unfortunately, you
need commas when you have dialogue.  For example, the following line:
> Dumbledoor says "I knew it. How did it work Harry?"
should look more like:
> Dumbledore says, "I knew it. How did it work, Harry?"
Note that there is one comma separating the speaker's action from what he
spoke and another comma separating his question from the name of the person
he was directing his statement towards.  These are both necessary, though
sometimes overlooked.

The second problem is the fact that you consistently misspelled
"Dumbledore".  Please, if you respect your source material at all, please
take the time to ensure that you are correctly spelling any names of people,
places, objects, organizations, et cetera that are derived from the source
canon.  The Harry Potter fandom tends to be especially bad at this; I can't
count the number of times I've read a story where the wizards were being
taught by Professor "MacGonogal" at "Hogwart's".  It's very annoying, and it
shows a lack of care.

The third problem I noticed is that all your dialogue is in "He said, she
said" format.  There are many words out there that can indicate speech, and
a fair number of them are more descriptive than "says" or "said".
Additionally, you don't have to explicitly state that the person was
speaking.  For example:
> Harry says "I made him watch..."
could become:
> Harry smirks.  "I made him watch..."
The second version still indicates that Harry was the speaker, and has the
added bonus of describing some of the scene.  If you prefer to be more
explicit, words you can use instead of "say" include: muse, whisper, shout,
shriek, question, state, exclaim, etc.  A thesaurus would probably be of
considerable assistance; just be sure not to go overboard.

The fourth problem is a fairly large one: the entire fic is nothing but
dialogue.  There is no description whatsoever.  Where are Harry and
Dumbledore?  When does this fic take place in the time line?  What were the
characters doing besides talking?  Background is necessary!  Even if the
entire story is about two people talking, there must be some sort of
description to invest the reader in what is going on, to provide some sort
of a frame of reference.  The way it is now, you could replace the names
"Harry", "Dumbledore", and "Voldemort" with "Luke", "Leia", and "Palpatine"
and you have the exact same story.  You wouldn't even need to change the
disclaimer!

The fifth problem is closely related to the fourth.  This story is very...
bare-bones.  It's really just a basic skeleton of a story right now. Flesh
it out some.  Add descriptions, actions, background, characterization.  Show
us what is happening.

The last two problems are grammatical in nature.

The sixth problem involves proper nouns.  Proper nouns - names of people,
places, etc. - need to be capitalized.  Since you're using "Hell" as a place
rather than a curse, it needs to be capitalized.  Verb tenses past or
present

The seventh problem involves verb tenses.  Regardless of what tense you
start writing in, you need to keep your story's action in that tense
throughout.  You started in past tense in your first sentence, then switched
to present for the rest of the story.  Pick one of the two and stick with
it.  Generally speaking, fiction authors tend to write their stories in past
tense.  In my opinion, past tense tends to sound less awkward and a bit more
natural, but it is up to you to choose which you prefer.

In conclusion, I honestly would like to see you improve your writing skills;
some of your stories have had potential.  I think you should take the time
to read other stories and consider what makes them good or bad, then apply
the "good" concepts to your own writing.  If you do this, your writing
should improve greatly as you practice.  Also be sure to take the time to
read your own writing before you post it.  If you read it and get the
feeling that it isn't very good, rework it until you think it is good.  I'm
sure people will be much more disposed towards giving you constructive
criticism than flames if you can demonstrate that you do care about your
stories.

Well, that's just my two cents.  As I said, feel free to discard this advice
if you don't want it.

~Chaeotica
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