[FFML] [Fic][Ranma][Introspective]To Ranma: A Letter

[Richard D LAWSON]

>Once upon a time, i had an über disclaimer, but i misplaced it.

Argh, personal beef.

If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, you have to use language 
properly.  Specifically, "I" is capitalized.

First impressions are everything when it comes to writing, and when your 
email begins with multiple usages of "i" instead of "I", it gives a bad 
first impression.

It is so important to do everything you can not to turn off your readers 
right away.  It is far too easy to glance at something, grimace, and click 
delete.

Perhaps I'm over-sensitive; my sister, who has a doctorate in astronomy, 
also uses "i" instead of "I".  Drives me bonkers. =)


>      How did she do it?  I'll always wonder, I guess.  I mean, it's
>not like I really fought that
>hard against it, but still.  I never really thought you would actually
>choose her over me,

There was some really weird formatting all throughout the fic, lines getting 
wrapped at odd places.  Someone used to have a text formatter for the FFML 
that lets you post without these weird line breaks, I forget who.  I believe 
it's on the FAQ if you're interested.

>when the chips were down.

Minor style nit:  try to avoid tired old cliches in your writing.  Yes, I 
know it's hard when practically everything is a cliche, but still, phrases 
like "when the chips were down" are easily avoided.

And from a writing standpoint, sometimes trying to find a way to avoid using 
a cliche'd description can lead to more insights about how your character 
should be feeling.

>I've been hitting this bottle a little too much lately;

Hmm, I"m assuming this is Akane (Nabiki?  Kasumi?).  Never pictured her as a 
drunk.  Interesting.

>I'd never let something like this upset me for
>real, so it has to be the sake crying.  Right?

I liked that bit.

>I mean she does hit you quite a bit, even now, two years after that
>first, failed wedding.

Guess not Akane then.  Ukyo?  Is her father still alive?  Been so long I 
don't remember any more.

>Neither of you think I'm really capable of that sort of thing
>anyway.  Just because I'm not the same kind of fighter as you....

Beginning to lean towards Nabiki at this point.

Well done, you got me interested in the "Who is this?" aspect of the story.

>Like how I used Ku Lon's fear of you finding out about
>Xian Pu's problem to convincer her to go back to China
>to get it fixed.  Or how I convinced Mu Tsu that it was
>his fault she was like that in the first

Minor nit:  "convince" instead of "convincer".

This was a surprise, actually.  Just so you know:  Ku Lon, Xian Pu, and Mu 
Tsu are not canonical in any way.  I made them up while writing a Shampoo 
story and they kinda leaked out into the fanfic community.  Someone who's 
not well-versed in Ranma fanfics may not know who you're talking about.  You 
may wanna stick with the canonical "Cologne", "Shampoo", and "Mousse".

>Ukyo will.

Not Ukyo then.  =)

>Then again, the fact that I now own a controlling share of her
>restaurant may have something to do with that.

Confirmation that it's Nabiki.  We'd already eliminated everyone else by 
this point anyway.  =)

>Diffidence is easy for me: I've been practicing since mother died.

Minor nit:  "Mother" should be capitalized in this context.

>Weeping silently, Kasumi Tendo, Nerima's true Ice Queen,
>drifted off to sleep.

Well, that surprised the bejeebus out of me.  =)

Not certain that there's a lot of justification for Kasumi having 
controlling shares in Ukyo's place.  And the rest seems a little out of 
whack with the clueless way canonical Kasumi is portrayed.  But then, I 
should be the very last to complain about a wildly OOC Kasumi.  =)

Still, you did a good job of misleading me, so I can mostly forgive the 
OOC-ness you used to get me to draw the wrong conclusion.

I think the biggest problem with this story is that it runs headfirst into 
the "Been There, Done That" wall of Ranma fanfic.  There is very very little 
that's not been written to death in Ranma fanfiction, and Kasumi being in 
love with Ranma has been done many times before.

What you've written is technically very good, with very few grammatical 
errors.  And you've got a very good voice, one that's easy to listen to.  I 
think you're an excellent writer, and this is a good story to get your feet 
wet with.

Thanks for sharing; looking forward to your future efforts.

-Richard